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And for the first time ever they’re geographically and economically independent of their parents.And so those forces combine, and for the first time ever marriage becomes about personal fulfilment, and in particular, people want to marry for love.And those are the things we’re looking for from marriage these days. What are some key attributes of a self-actualizing marriage?

The idea is that we have a hierarchy of needs and toward the bottom the most fundamental or foundational needs are things like physiological and safety needs, like you want to eat enough food and not freeze to death, and so forth. But the idea that you wouldn’t marry a proper person because there wasn’t enough love there would have seemed a little silly.

EF: Well, when I first set out to write the book – it wasn’t this book.

The working title was “The Freighted Marriage”, and the idea was that we’re asking more and more of our marriage over time, while we’re actually investing less and less time alone with our spouse than in the past.

But one of the things that I do talk about in the book is that nobody just sort of lives at the top of Maslow’s hierarchy all the time.

It’s not like you have this relationship and learn about each other and then just sort of reliably make each other feel self-actualized and loved for the next 60 years.

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