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For the tax-averse, the Medium Lobster suggests a final, more direct approach: simply weight the votes of the economically-disadvantaged as counting less than those of a normal, healthy, wealthy American. "People go 'Oh the hippos they are so terrible' but if people fed them they would not be so hungry an dangerous.""You can't beat hippos with blankets an love! One could count the votes of those living beneath the poverty line as, say, three-fifths of a vote, thus correcting for their undue over-representation and thereby creating a smaller pool of more competent, deliberative voters. "It is the devil's holiday.""It's true," says Giblets. Did you prime the exploding radio collars around their necks and assure them that insubordination and escape were impossible? And over the last year of campaigning neither one has mentioned Giblets in a major address except to note that he is "very short."One candidate is taking Giblets - and the threat of Giblets - seriously. And then, once he is elected, Giblets can destroy you all. When it comes to the war on terror, America cannot afford to have the wrong man at the helm. There's a law that's going to make it legal to ship people off to Syria to be beaten with electrical cables and a buildup of nuclear arms in Iraq and North Korea and next month ten thousand more are probably going to die in Darfur. "Banned from the Seminole County Public Library.""Giblets is too much for them! "They cannot handle the awesome power of his Gibletsian discourse! "Like in our six-part series ""Now Giblets's voice can ring out across the vast electronic wilderness without any editorial restraints! ""Giblets shall not just use fuck in every sentence! ""But Giblets we should be able to respect each other's absolute wrongness," says me. " an "Which candidate will be more likely to bring back the draft? " an "We will sue you if you keep talkin bout the draft." Well it can be very confusin especially for young voters who tlevision informs me are mush-brained little squishy things who do not know what politics is an never vote unless there is a draft. In conjunction with the Defense Department an the Selective Service we have compiled this handy FAQ to educate you on the draft. "Wait a second are we still talkin bout John Kerry? Who got personal about the issue of denying rights to Americans based on their sexuality."Every Snickers in every plastic pumpkin pail feeds Lucifer's unholy flame.""If only Satanism weren't so delicious! Have you threatened and beaten up non-Giblets voters? One candidate knows that if Giblets's rivals are elected president he could transform into a pack of ravenous wolves and eat your children. Does America really want to invite certain Gibtastrophe upon itself by electing candidates who are unprepared to lead them against Giblets? And that is why America must elect Giblets, and his running mate, Giblets: for security. The leader of the free world must understand that this clash of civilizations is, above all things, a war of concepts, and he must have the strength and the purity to embrace the boldest possible vision. For his administration had not only embraced ideas, it exists, in a sense, only as an idea. Phil's face, just like there's genuine hurt on the faces of children orphaned by the mass murderers in Darfur. But there's also important stuff to think about, like the bump on George Bush's back an whether he an John Kerry are Jesusy enough. "For example right now you're makin that ugly effigy of John Kerry to burn, which is hurtful an mean-spirited. Did you know that if a Red Stater and a Blue Stater come into contact they will explode an leave behind only a trace of purple goo? What John Kerry did to Dick Cheney's daughter last night was cheap and tawdry."An when they did she said her name three times an disappeared into a mirror to kill kids at a party! ""My only complaint with that is that we didn't get enough allies on our side," says me. We have learned that special forces have been dispatched to find an track down rogue videotapes an cells of rogue videotapes across the country to try an stop them before they can be played again. - that they've overlooked the obvious: when fewer citizens participate in a democracy, that democracy becomes stronger than ever. You are bein very silly an dumb an should probably lie down. "The high explosives store.""Did you go to Explosives-R-Us or Explodeytown? Terror, weapons of mass destruction - they may not have been really in Iraq, but the idea of them most certainly was. " Tucker hits the buzzer sound effect which makes the board light up an reveal eight potential cash prizes! "It's because of the French," he says on my couch with a mouth full of potato skins. I don't remember the French running the Sudan, or the White House either. Will we ever be as safe an secure as we did when Bob Schieffer grew up, Giblets, under the threat of instant nuclear annihilation?""An all she left behind was her hook hand in the door a their car," says me. "If we had it to do over again I think we shoulda gotten a bigger coalition of other countries to invade themselves.""An there's the Glorious Worker Initiative! "Where we replaced all bourgeois factory management with glorious elephants to bring glory to common worker! We also understand that Homeland Security agents have already raided a Blockbuster's in Shelbyville, Kentucky. The words of the world's greatest terrorist have made it clear: we must re-elect the man who failed to catch him, so he may continue to let him roam free. " Mole men are also pretty big on national security. But the poor economy of the Mole Kingdom has given John Kerry a new opening. Do we really want the participation of voters who are easily intimidated from voting by the mere assignment of felon status? " says me."Nah, I just went to Wal-Mart," says Giblets blowin up the TV. Although they had a great deal at Kid Kablooie - 380 tons of explosives for the price of 300 tons of explosives.""That's a good deal on explosives! "But Kid Kablooie is more of a kids store.""Yeah," says Giblets chuckin some explosives at the cat. And that was an idea the world's only superpower had to confront with real troops. Giblets has fallen asleep in the onion dip watchin Larry King Live! Phil is explainin to me about the epidemic of oral sex in our middle schools. Compassion is on the march too as George Bush is pointing out. He also points out that John Kerry's health care plan will require thousands of government cyborgs to be stationed in your homes to inject you with penicillin every day."Which is the second death.""They say on a Halloween just like this two bloggers just like you an me met their tragic fate," says Giblets."They picked up a mysterious hitchhiker," says me. "It's a pretty avant-garde revolution.""Very true," says Giblets. But if we didn't do food rationin how else could we make people eat an eagle a day? ""An yknow cases of eagle-poisoning dropped a whole lot once we ran outta eagle! Lesser revolutionaries would have defended the revolution by leavin the army at home. "It lives on in our hearts.""We should get that looked at," says Giblets pokin his chest."It could be indigestion," says me. In light of the grave threat posed by Osama bin Laden's videotape Fafblog has declared a twelve-hour truce with rival blogs in order to allow Americans to absorb what happened today. The Medium Lobster is equally baffled and amused to see the usual parade of frenzied liberals calling for an end to voter fraud and intimidation, for coherent ballot design, and a general increase in the voting population. " You form committees and parent-teacher organizations. ""What, you mean the high explosives by the washer an dryer? ""I'm kinda suspicious of that Gallup poll Giblets," says Fafnir. In the poll 82% of likely voters were Giblets, whereas in 2000 exit polls indicated that less than 1% of voters were actually Giblets.""Away from Giblets with your lying anti-Giblets lies! Already Giblets is festooned in his royal garb and ready to take his seat upon the throne of power in the Oval Office, which will give him complete control over America. But George Bush didn't just see the task: he saw the grand idea behind the task, and better still, the vague abstractions behind the grand idea. Fafblog has been down an out for a couple days but we are back with delayed DEBATE BLOGGING!
Halloween is an important day for us here at Fafblog. They make his lies the truth - and they waver before terror. The purpose of democracy is to select the leaders - regardless of public intent. What need was there for sufficient troop levels, a trained Iraqi police force, an international coalition or adequate planning when the strength of bold thought was on our side? I think a lot of Americans will look at John Kerry's record after this debate and say "Man - a liberal! "There has been so much division in America over the last few years. I mean the president passed No Child Left Behind with his good friend Ted Kennedy an now he is bein opposed by horrible liberally liberals like Ted Kennedy. Does God hate John Kerry cause he's in favor a killin babies? Is votin for John Kerry a mortal sin, or just a venal sin? "You aren't givin em health or disability benefits. "For he who would be no slave must be content to have no slave.""Indeed," says Abraham Lincoln."Aaaah! " says us an we pump im fulla lead."Do you think the dead will ever be given the full rights of the living, Giblets? ""He's stuffin his face with cake right now over there! "Waffff uppppf fellaf.""Derrida stop eatin all our cake! The two candidates' styles in the innovative town hall format are very different. "We came to commune with its savage beauty an love it like a brother before we brought it down.""I think we should leave it here," says Giblets, "as it is several thousand times larger than us an difficult to carry.""Agreed," says me.Autumn was later introduced to the Americas by the Pilgrims, who burned witches in honor of Guy Fawkes Day cause the Pilgrims were too poor to afford straw but had all these witches just lyin around. Guarded by Giblets in a verrrry spoooky hockey mask! IQ assessments should be made mandatory before any voter registers, in order to weed those competent enough to participate in Freedom from the ranks of the unwashed. "Then we can all settle down and get a pizza with the bear! So a course it took us a while for everybody here at Fafblog News Headquarters to weigh all of these super important factors to make our decision, smush it up, an bake it in tasty endorsement form. ""Think of all the starvin children in India who would love to be horribly exploited for your job," says me. ""Think of all the starvin children in India who ARE," says Giblets. George Bush, in a missed opportunity, says "I'm good with that."George Bush says he has protected the environment with such policies as his Healthy Smog Initiative an his Delicious Mercury Act. The Pilgrims believed that all fire came from the center of the earth, where Jesus an Moses live an fight each other for eternity. This is veeery scaaaary cider an veeerrry deadly donuts. Ah, but you object, would a forced IQ test on every potential voter be truly cost effective? We hope you like it an take it as it was intended: as the voices of the mighty mighty star-gods returnin to carve the new commandments of the universe into the livin rock. "Pullin the rickshaw for the fat people isn't as bad as this.""Or bein mauled by wild dogs," says Giblets."Or bein attacked by death squads," says me."Or bein dissected alive by organ harvesters," says Giblets. John Kerry says that mercury is not really as delicious as the president says it is an says he has a plan to protect the environment by holdin a summit with it. "Giblets needs to look bold.""Giblets we agreed to share the pith helmet," says me. "They never even found out her name.""An when they went to her granma's house to return her hook hand her granma was all 'She died thirty years ago - on the night of her prom! "The people are gettin tired of it.""Nuts to the people! ""An the workers that got trampled were the most gloriously trampled workers ever," says me."Or the army of dancin robot apemen! "That was just cool.""It may have cost three trillion dollars but it's three trillion dollars worth a cool," says me."History will exhonerate us," says Giblets. "It goes on an on an on like a snake swallowin its own tail! Fafblog will keep you updated on the national crisis as it develops. On a videotape today, Osama bin Laden spoke - and in doing, he committed an act of terrorism - terrorism of words. Or those who are evidently too addled to make sense of ballots such as this one? "You can only get kids explosives there.""I hear John Kerry claims to have eaten all the marshmallow charms that come in Lucky Charms cereal," says me. But even in launching a bold, ambitious, and dangerous gamble to remake the Middle East by planting a modernized, liberal democracy in its midst, George W. We now have "armies of compassion." This isn't your wimpy, pussy compassion, Fafnir. Well what if I don't LIKE forced penicillin injections, John Kerry? The Poor Man has alerted Giblets to the fact that the director of "Going Upriver: The Long War of John Kerry" has now placed this film online, free for download, right here. And as Ruler of the Internet he declares that none shall be able to watch this film because Giblets will not show it!You can see her gravestone ""That's cause 911 had moved into their basement," says Giblets. "It will look upon our works an say, 'we don't care about your works; it's the thought that counts'.""So is the revolution over? ""If a snake swallows its own tail won't it run outta snake? He didn't just threaten America - he insulted America's President. Only if we live in a society that sees democracy as a good in and of itself - and the Medium Lobster would want no part of such a deranged nightmare world! "But in fact he has only eaten pink hearts, blue stars an purple horseshoes.""Disgraceful," says Giblets. "And then Explodey the friendly explosive showed up an we had a party! Bush was determined to let the purity of his ideals stand unsullied by the taint of base reality. Mary Cheney IS gay which is pretty important when you stop thinkin about it. I believe that Paygo is the Filipino god of fire, retribution an tax hikes who is predicted in the ancient tomes to return to afflict the earth with plagues of frogs, deadly flames, and big government regulation. It was probably a bad move on Kerry's part, Fafnir. "Giblets pays his fetuses decent pay for decent work.""But Giblets those fetuses can't really live off what you pay them," says me. He is pulling it from its internet timeslot because it is too political. For Giblets is going to air across the entire internet two documentaries on his opponents the day before the election - one entitled "Spitting On Veterans: How John Kerry and a Bunch of Commies Disgraced the Noblest War Effort Ever," and another called "Dubya Does Dallas: Two Guys, a Dwarf and a Dog in 1972." Viewing is mandatory. Who had presented a very presidential demeanor for much of the night until in the last moments of his closin statement began speakin in tongues, declarin war on the Dominican Republic an projectile vomiting on moderator Charlie Gibson? All we have left is the juice box but it is just enough!